Time: Glimmers of Joy
The majority of my life is spent trying to manage my time. I am a very busy woman which can be so completely exhausting when you are also facing debilitating chronic medical issues. If I could receive a dollar for every time that I utter the words, “I need a vacation, a whole week off,” then I would have plenty of money to take that week off and not worry about it. Yes, most of my exhaustion is because I do fill my life with activities, yet yearn to do nothing. It can be a confusing state to constantly live in.
How busy am I? Let me break down everything going on right now. I work full-time. 40 hours a week at the office. I am currently in 3 different theatrical productions of some type. So rehearsals are taking up time. I am an aging college student and even though I only balance two classes per semester, it is still a lot of commitment. (Not to mention one is a developmental math class that gives me hives and makes me have nightmares of never passing and thus never getting my AA and having math be the reason I never get to be a paralegal.) I always get A’s and B’s so far in my college career so I must be doing something right. Add on top of this, fun activities I want to do like going to Disney or Halloween Horror Nights because it brings me joy. Then I take care of my family (husband, kids, cats) all while being chronically ill with Long Covid, diabetes (that I am doing great controlling if the insurance lets me get my meds half the time), possible IBS, POTS, and chronic fatigue. Getting a diagnosis has been a journey itself that is far from over. Then sleep can be fleeting. My only real recharge is usually Saturday morning when my husband and hero give me all the time in the world to sleep in.
I am so busy. I sometimes wonder why I do it all and how I manage it all with the time I have. Time indeed runs my life, but I know that as much as I want to never move again and spend days in bed, I do not want my life to just be that. So, with the difficulties that come with these illnesses and just trying to survive in a capitalist hellscape, I need to feel that glimmer of joy.
I got to sing today at a rehearsal. I was even half bad. JOY.
Did my body hurt? Yes. Did I feel nauseous a lot of the time? Yes. But still…. JOY.
I got to go enjoy Halloween Horror Nights with my teen and some friends. I did not even use a wheelchair until the end of the night. My body hurt so much the next day. STILL JOY.
Should I really be asleep instead of writing this blog post? Yes. However …. JOY.
That really is the point. I choose the consequences to feel those glimmers of joy that keep me wanting to keep waking up on this crazy planet in this crazy time. Chase your joys, y’all. It can be hard, exhausting, painful. But the glimmer is worth it. You just have to find the time.